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I want a fresh new start.. Everything has been messed up lately and I never noticed it. Just had a conversation today with someone close to me. He made me realized a lot of things and now.. I wanted a new start. I will gradually resolve all this mess and I know I can do it.
Life has been very hard these past few days. What made it harder is the people around me doesn't know what I've been going through. Since they don't know anythin' about me, they tend to pour all their heartaches on me. They share their problems with me and I share with them my advice to what could possibly solve their problem. I found it ironic knowing that I can't solve my own problems while I try to solve other peoples problems.
Everything has been unstable. But I will do my very best to get pass through all this. I know everything will be solved in time. And soon, the re-birth of this blog. I will make sure all blogs posted here will be anything but happiness...
:)
I am in deep sadness..
The main reason why I wanted to create this blog is to have someone to talk to. I know nobody reads but atleast, I can somehow feel that someone listens..
I am in a 4-year, 10-months relationship. Some might say it has been that long that nothing can tear us apart. Easy for others to say or think, huh?! But I am telling you, it's not that easy nor simple. I have been away from him for 6 months. I went abroad to look for job opportunities. During my 6-months vacation, we had problems. Being away from each other dealing with problems is one of the hardest things of being in love. This is what happened:
He sent me a message that wasn't supposed to be sent to me. Not only once but twice. The fist time he "mistakenly" sent the message, he was in total denial. But the second time, he just told me that, he was just making fun of the girl. Take note: the girl is his office mate. That day I realized, I should be packing my things and start to go home. I don't believe him saying that it was just for fun. He even told me that they were just "texting". At that point, I knew, I needed to come back home. I took a flight even if I was unsuccessful finding a job and broke.
I was happy to be back home but I don't know if I am happy to see him again. I don't know what will happen. I also don't know what I was feeling back then. But then we have to see each other. We were actually happy. Maybe it's because I'm just so happy that I've seen him again. We started talking with each other and telling stories of what has happened to us when we're apart. As we are having our meal, he took out his wallet. I took it to take a look of my picture which is inside. As I was browsing through some other stuffs he had on his wallet I found a piece of paper. It was a receipt. A motel receipt. :'(
I asked him what was that. He even told me they never had sex because he can't do it. But eventually he had confided. He was with his office mate. He said they were both drunk. When I looked at the receipt date, it happened days before the wrong messages were sent to me. :'( I concluded that maybe, they really had a relationship. They call each other "bebe" as per the wrong sent massages. But this time he said, it was just a one night stand. I don't know if it's true. I just cried.
I never realized he will do that to me. Tears still falling down on my face while I was writing this. I still cannot believe. This just happened last month and for sure I haven't moved on. First, it is because I don't know how. Second, because I am afraid of whatever might happen between us. He might still do it. Third, I might leave again a month from now to look for a job overseas. I am going to leave him again. What will happen? Will there be any other worse situations?
I know I do love him. That's why I decided to go on, continue the relationship. But sometimes I feel that whenever I am with him, I am not like the old me 6 months ago. There are a lot of doubts in my head. He said he is willing to do whatever it takes to see forever "again" in my eyes. I don't know. Trust has been broken and I don't know if it will be fixed.
Right now, after his work, he is making sure that he visits me -- which btw, he NEVER did in our relationship. I don't know if he's just doing it because he has hurt me and would just like to make it up to me or because he really wanted me to feel special. I don't know what's real and what's not.
Sometimes I find myself crying and telling him that I want a break up. I am always paranoid, I am in total depression, insecurities filling over me. I am always comparing myself to her office mate. He doesn't want to end the relationship because he said, he loves me. He loves me?? Why did he do it?? Why me?? I've never done anything to hurt him. I've loved him and I actually cannot imagine myself without him..
I wanted to see the "officemate". I wanted to talk to her. I know she knows me. I've met her already few moths before I left 6 months ago. But I know seeing her and talking to her won't ease the pain. Instead, the anger will just burst. I'll just let the karma track her down.
I am giving him a second chance. I don't know if he's gonna do it again. No one knows, right?! If he does, then it's time to move forward and find the missing pieces of me. This relationship has taught a lot of things about myself. I know I am much more tougher now. I'm better. I faced my nightmare and went through it... I guess. Will there be any worse case than that which I can't go through!??!
To the world of BLOGGING!!
I know I'm not good at this. But I am into thinking.. deep thoughts.. that's why I realized --> I should be blogging these thoughts out.. I know somebody might learn from it.
Another factor that had led me to do this are my experiences. Both painful and happy moments will be posted here. Paranoid and weird ideas of mine will be posted here too, so watch out - If someone's gonna read this.
Well, maybe that's it for now. I already have an idea on what to post for the coming days. I will be starting my job this week and I can't wait. That will be my second job and I'd like to feel the 'adjustments' and the 'getting-to-know-your-officemates' stage again. I hope everything will work out just fine. I am sure I will coz I am somehow friendly. Hahaha..
-- Tori Amos
